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AFTER recording a soul-baring post of herself crying, Sarah Cawood discovered scores of other midlife women are feeling left behind and asking: Is this it?
Here, the former Top of the Pops presenter reveals she finally felt less alone after receiving hundreds of “beautiful” replies from followers and telly peers and shares her hopes for the future.
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SLUMPING on the bed in my fluffy dressing gown, I felt fat tears of sadness and frustration roll down my cheeks.
The sobs kept coming and as they did, I decided to turn on my phone camera to record the moment.
I’m not normally a crier and try to feel happy with my lot in life. But today, it was too much – and I had to be honest about it.
I try to be as real as possible on my social media and that meant sharing this dark blip as well as our recent all-inclusive family holiday to Cyprus.
Uploading the footage, I added the caption: ‘Can I be really honest? For a minute? I’m 53, I’m healthy and I have a lovely family… But I feel lost.’
Below, I explained myself further.
“I made the mistake of doom-scrolling this morning and all my former peers are slaying it,” I wrote.
“It’s hard to explain, but I just feel really… left out.
“It’s so silly to say that at 53, I feel jealous. All my former TV buddies, plus new friends I’ve met here, they all seem to be at events with each other, working together and thriving.
“And here’s the thing: I couldn’t be more pleased or proud of those women but I miss them… and I miss being one of them.
“My days are spent tidying, cleaning and managing the lives of my Smalls and that’s OK. But now they are bigger, I think I want more… certainly I could do with more money!
“I just feel so redundant. I want to build my own brand, maybe write a book using my old diaries, but I simply don’t have time.
“Unless my time is spent on income-producing activities, I can’t do them: I’d work 24 hours a day and see no one.
‘Just surviving’
“I feel like I’m peeking over the parapet, watching everyone else thriving while I’m over here, just surviving.
“I don’t even know why I’m posting this, but maybe if you are feeling the same way, it will make you feel better to know you’re not alone?
“And I had my time, and it was great. So maybe I should just shut up and be grateful.
“I am grateful, I really am! My life is so lovely and I’m so lucky, I just want a little bit more: is that greedy?
“Maybe the Universe has a different plan for me.”
To be honest, I thought I’d get trolled for being so self-pitying, with people telling me: What do you have to moan about?
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But the reaction was beautiful and overwhelming, with hundreds of caring, wise replies from followers and even well-known names.
Many of them felt seen and told me they also had this midlife self-doubt, how motherhood and ageing had made them feel left behind or at a crossroads without a map.
Others told me that comparison was the thief of joy and that what you see online is just smoke and mirrors.
I thought I’d get trolled for being so self-pitying, with people telling me: What do you have to moan about? But the reaction was beautiful and overwhelming
It’s little wonder as one study showed that 70 per cent of women over 50 reported that they feel “increasingly invisible” as they age.
Many of my telly peers showed up with advice, like Kate Thornton, Denise Welch, Katy Hill and Ulrika Johnsson.
There was also a message from Zoe Ball, who invited me for a cup of tea – much to the delight of my 11-year-old daughter Autumn.
I’ve always admired Zoe for the way she’s at the top of her game but still remains down-to-earth and one of us.
Even though I worked with her friend Sara Cox on Channel 4’s The Girlie Show back in the 1990s – and have also presented Live & Kicking and Top of the Pops – I think we’ve only met in person once or twice.
She and Coxy hung out with the dance crowd back in the day but I was an indie girl, so our social circles didn’t really cross.
But when I got breast cancer a few years ago, she sent me a beautiful DM.
While I’d love to take up her offer and sit down for a natter, I don’t want to be that person who forces themselves on someone being kind.
I know that sounds ridiculous but I’m a terrible people pleaser and hate to impose. That’s part of the reason I felt so stupid feeling this way.
‘Brutal industry’
However, all of the replies made me feel less alone, as well as proud that I’d spoken about an emotion that could be considered taboo or shameful.
We’re not supposed to covet and compare, particularly as women.
TV is a particularly brutal industry – it can be ageist, sexist and fleeting.
But I think lots of women hit midlife and experience feelings of ‘is this it?’, no matter what job they do or how lovely a family they have.
We know that mums are forced out of the workplace, overlooked for promotion and paid less than male colleagues.
No matter how much we’re told we can have it all, there are sacrifices to be made – or that are foisted upon us – when kids come along.
My work mostly dried up after my babies were born in 2012 and 2013, so with my husband Andy being a freelance producer, it made sense for me to be at home with Hunter, 13, and Autumn, and save on childcare.
I don’t regret that time with them but now my youngest has started secondary school, I suddenly feel a bit redundant. I didn’t expect that.
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People say this is my time now – but my time for what, when I’m so out of the game?
As a cancer survivor, I feel so grateful for everything I have, but I also know that you don’t have all the time in the world.
There’s still so much I want to achieve.
As a cancer survivor, I feel so grateful for everything I have, but I also know that you don’t have all the time in the world. There’s still so much I want to achieve
The problem is, I don’t know what else I could do. I went to ballet school, not college. I lack qualifications.
All I know is broadcasting and I know I’m good at it.
I used to do a podcast but they’re expensive to get off the ground without a production company behind you – so that came to a close in 2023.
I do voiceovers and scripts for Challenge TV, a bit of product selling and other bits and pieces.
All I want is a regular job to bring my spark back, give me a creative outlet and let me feel like I am contributing financially.
Andy’s been the breadwinner and that’s a huge burden on him, particularly being self-employed.
While I’ve been doing valuable work at home, I’d still like to make my ‘own’ money and be able to get my hair cut without worrying about the cash.
I also want to take the pressure off Andy when he’s between contracts so he can relax and enjoy a break.
And while social media has allowed me to open up this conversation and be honest about my emotions, the downside of Instagram is you see everyone else’s fancy homes, chic wardrobes, new projects and sunshine holidays.
You look around at your knackered skirting boards and chipped nail polish as it rains outside, wondering where it went wrong.
Throw in the menopause and the whispers of self-doubt become a bellow.
It’s hard to remind yourself that most of us only share the highlights and not the hard times.
I don’t want to survive – I want to thrive
You might envy them but they haven’t got their lives together either.
But things are starting to look up for me. Because my online audience has taken a bit of a leap, I have already been fielding a few interesting phone calls on what I could do next.
And I’ve been thinking, maybe I will get that book written after all?
I’m not going to beg for a new job on the telly, but if the right opportunity comes along, I’d grab it with both hands.
TV has always been an ageist industry, so if I did manage to land a dream gig back on the box, it’d be a huge win for the menopause massive. You’ll have to watch this space.
I’m trying to be positive and I’ve forgiven myself for feeling envious about others’ success.
Having received so many messages of support, I feel all us women have given each other a massive cuddle.
I’m still working my way through my DMs because I don’t want one single woman to feel ignored. I want them to know that I see them.
Hopefully we can all encourage each other through this, and perhaps we’ll all feel galvanised to get up and do something about it.
Like I said, I don’t want to survive – I want to thrive.
So to all the middle-aged mums who might be feeling left behind, invisible or redundant, know this – I’m with you and don’t beat yourself up for wanting more.
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